Once considered the relic of a bygone era, appropriate attire for either fishermen, rabbis, pirates or pornographers, the ubiquitous crumb catcher has made a remarkable comeback in parts of the capital with some barbers in trendy parts of East London charging hipsters twenty quid a pop to have their man hair shaved, sculpted and styled much to the opprobrium of an anonymous Londonewcastle employee.
The unnamed individual, a harsh critic of beards has gone on record lamenting that “if I see any more barber shops in Shoreditch or cupcake shops in Primrose Hill I swear I’m going to burn the f*****g place to the ground.” He is not alone in his criticism. Evidence provided by medical historian Alun Withey suggests that Britain reached peak beard in 2014. Furthermore he hypothesised a marked correlation between the denigration of ones masculinity and the prevalence of beards; in other words when an individual’s masculinity is called into question beards provide a natural defence mechanism much like a sea bird which puffs out its chest. This theory would account for the abundance of beards amongst Shoreditch hipsters whose tattoos, skinny jeans and skinny frames imbue an inherent insecurity and desperation.
Although we are frequently told beards are the ultimate symbol of masculinity, the individual in question has gone on record to describe them as “the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions”. Furthermore he opines they are “the opium of the masses”. He reasons “look, there are two reasons that men grow beards, either they’re ugly and they’re hiding it or they are vain and spend hours in front of a mirror”. Asked if laziness could be considered a contributory factor he commented “no, I don’t think so. If you have stubble you are lazy. You have maybe rolled out of bed once or twice and thought no, not today. Today I will have my lie in and enjoy the peace and solemnity of my bed. But you are making a conscious decision persistently not to shave when you grow a beard. Moreover hipsters expend a considerable amount of time tweaking these ridiculous lip rugs. Snot mops take a considerable amount of effort to furnish to the same standard as Hercule Poirot. Therefore laziness should be discounted as a factor.”
David Barnett, Londonewcastles CEO has a beard. He declined to comment but has said the individual in question has been reprimanded